Special

"Well, as you all see, Mr. F is absent. It is due to a car accident. He's been brought to the nearest hospital."
W-what?! F met an accident?! Gosh! What am I going to do?! I'd like to see him now, but I just can't skip classes...
"Uhm, Ma'am, how was he?" I ask. Trying not to let my nervousness show.
"He's not in a good condition. In fact, I would like each one of you to pray for his safety."
"C-can't we visit him?" I ask again. My voice got higher but I'm still trying to control myself. What if something bad happens? I can't just sit here, waiting while he's all alone in there!
"Actually, you can. But the school prohibits everyone to go somewhere during class hours. You can go visit him after school, though. But you should have an accompaniment with you. Another teacher, for example." Madame Piamonte is still talking in a low voice, as if she's not affected by what happened to Sir F. And it made me just blurt out.
"But what if something happens to him?! C-can't we just go there now?! I promise I'll go straight to school after I find out he's fine!" I just didn't notice tears falling from my eyes. I just looked down.
"Sherene, calm down. I know what you're feeling. I know you're close with Mr. F but please, we just can't get someone out of school. I'm so sorry."
I just can't help but cry. My friends came and tapped my back, saying "It's alright. Sir F will be fine, for sure." But I just can't calm down, knowing no one's with him right now.
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At recess time, just 2 hours after discussing about Sir F having an accident, Madame Piamonte talked to me.
"Sherene, okay. I asked permission form the management and they let us go to the hospital where Mr. F is confined."
"R-really? Right now?"
"If you want to. Well, we just want to do this for you. You're such a persevering girl. I guess spending time guarding your closest teacher won't hurt."
My heart was instantly filled with mixed emotions. I'm excited, but also a bit scared. What if something bad really happened to Sir F?
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The doctor told us that they're expecting F to wake up in a few hours. Luckily, he didn't have any major injuries. He just had bone fractures on his right leg. Madame Piamonte went back to school and just left me there. She told me to just call if Sir F wake up. I hold F's hand. I let out a sigh of relief, knowing he's fine. I stroked his hair. But then I remembered about our relationship not being accepted by norms. We both know it from the start but we just can't help it. We were both in love. Maybe, just for this time, I could fantasize he's not my teacher. That we just have 8 years of age gap... Well, if he weren't a teacher, maybe everyone knows all about us having this relationship. Everything would feel so right. Everything would be perfect. Everything.
"nn..."
"F?"
"Reen..."
"What? I can't understand you."
"Sherene..."
"O-oh. Is there anything you need?"
"Why are you here? You should be at school."
"Madame Piamonte asked permission from the management to let me visit you."
"..."
"Oh, I forgot I have to call her when you wake up. Wait here for a minute."
Before realizing it, I was already in F's arms. It feels so great.
"Stay here a little longer."
"O-okay." I close my eyes. I just can't resist him. I know what we're doing everyday is wrong but why is it so sweet? We can't stay like this. F is my teacher. I am his student. Maybe if we stop it now, there'd still be a chance to correct the mistake. I pull away from his grasp.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"W-well," I say, shifting my eyes for I can't say I want to stop this, "I-uhm. I haven't eaten yet. I'm hungry. Want to eat anything?"
"Nah. I'm good."
"I'll just go to the canteen. And to the phone booth too and tell ma'am you're already awake."
"..."
I went out of the room. I know he saw through me. W-well, I guess it can't be helped, I mean, we both know it's a huge mistake!
Instead of going to the canteen, I just went to the phone booth and dialed the school's number.
"This is Sherene Garcia of class 2-A. Uhm. Can I talk with Madame Piamonte?"
"Oh. Please wait a moment."
"..."
"Hello? Sherene?"
"Uhm, I just want to tell that Sir F is already awake."
"Thank goodness! Just wait for us. We'll check on him."
"Uhm, excuse me, but who's 'us'?"
"Your classmates are going with me. Since your section is Mr. F's advisory class, they've been permitted to come too."
"That's great!"
"Yeah. So, just wait for us, okay?"
"Yeah. Bye."
"Bye."
I went in the room where F stays. And as I've thought, he wants to ask me something...
"I thought you're going to buy food."
"Oh, I haven't got a chance to buy since the line was too long." I lied.
"As of what I know, if you really want something, you try hard to get it."
"I just thought I should come back early since no one's here to accompany you."
"Really?!" his voice was sarcastic. I can't hold this lie anymore.
"Okay, okay. I lied. I didn't go to the canteen. I wasn't hungry. Happy?"
"So what's your purpose for lying?"
Oh gosh, I hate it when he stares at me straight to the eye. It gives me goosebumps and I just blurt out the truth.
"I wanted to stop."
"Why?"
"Because everything's wrong!"
"We're not doing anything bad."
"We both know this relationship's wrong from the start."
"Yeah. So? Why did you accept me if you'd be telling this in the end?"
"Because I love you!"
"Then what are you complaining about?"
"The guilt's killing me!" I am already raising my voice.
"So what do you want?! Stop this?!" He was also raising his voice now. And it just made me burst out.
"Yes, I think I want to stop all of these already!"
"GOOD MORNING!" My classmates suddenly entered the room. Did they hear anything?
"Oh, Sherene, thanks for guarding Sir F until we came here." One of my classmates said.
"Uh. Ehehe. It's..."I look at F, he seems busy talking to my other classmates. "It's actually okay..."
I wiped my tears and just stayed there. Looking at the scene when all my classmates were talking at F while I'm just right here... What have I done? Did F hear what I said? Are we really... Not a couple anymore?! All because we both lost our tempers?!

too late or too early.

"Do you love her?" I ask. It's painful. I don't know if he loves her or not but if not, I guess we can do something. At least?
"I-Uh..." He pauses. I know what he'll be saying. That he doesn't love her. That he loves me and wants to be with me. But I know that's not the truth. I hate it when he acts like this. I can accept the truth. I don't want to accept fake love. Never.
"I want the truth. Tell me the truth."I say, half shouting. I know I want him to say that he loves me. But I also know that he doesn't-anymore. I just want the words to come out of his mouth and not others.
"I-Michelle. I-" I can tell he's confused. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt me. I know the truth hurts but it would be easier to accept the truth than live with lies. I stare at him. He look down, as if ashamed or something.
"Yes, Michelle... I-I do love her." He finally said. He ant's to say more. He wants to explain but i guess the truth that came from his mouth is enough for me. I don't want nor need explanations.
"W-well... Y-you finally said it." I try to stop the tears. This is too much painful. Too painful. I can't stop it anymore. If I don't go away, I know I'll just break down and cry right there, in front of him. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I already caused too much trouble. I don't want to add more to what I've done. No.
"O-okay. I guess all's been said. There's no more to add, is there? I-if you excuse me, I have to go somewhere. Thanks for lending me your time anyway." This is too much. At this rate, I'll surely break down in front of him. I immediately turn back as to not let him know I'm crying. I try to hide. The pain, the sadness, the suffering. I can't trouble him anymore. If he hadn't met me, he would be living peacefully with her by now. I can't. I can't.
"T-This would be our last meeting. Don't worry. I won't trouble you anymore."
"Michelle, listen to me. I really didn't mean to-" I already ran towards the door. I don't want to hear it. Enough. His words were echoing inside my head. "Yes, Michelle. I-I do love her." Enough. "You're the only person I'll love in my lifetime." How can he be so sure? Now I proved him wrong. I knew it. He can't love me or wait for me whenever I want him to. "Well, if you'd be happy with Alex, I guess I have to get out of the way." Yes. I guess if Alex hadn't died, I'd be happy with him right now. Stupid, stupid girl.
I sit on a bench. When I'm feeling down, it feels good to see nature. I enjoy it. But it doesn't work right now. Nature can't cheer me up. Here I am, still deep in thoughts. I remember Alex said once, "Tanya, if I die, would you, by any chance, go with me?" "go with you? Hey, Alex. Don't say things like that. You're giving me goosebumps all over." "Tanya, I'm serious. Just answer honestly." "I-well. I can't... seem to picture a life without you. I could die with heartache." "Tanya, promise me. If I die,don't commit suicide or anything like that." "However am I supposed to live in that... that..." "Just continue to live. Promise me." "Why are you talking about this? Are you ill?" "Promise me." "Okay." "Remember, when that happens, I'll watch over you. I'll stop you from committing suicide. But if ever you succeed, I won't forgive you." I guess that's one of the reasons why I didn't follow him when he died. Heh. Funny. We should be laughing by now if he hadn't died. I miss you, Alex. I still love you. Nothing has changed. It's just that I have to move on. But believe me, I guess it was a bad choice, after all. I guess my mistakes are just either of the two: I just loved him too late that he has someone else already or, I just loved him too early that he still has someone else. But I guess either of the two, I still loved Ryan at the wrong time. Funny, stupid, stupid girl.